At Joshua's urging I have decided to do a series of blog entries on the EP that I have been longing to release to the world. First off, there's required reading prior to entertaining this series of posts. Please check out "Twelve Brothers. One Passion."
To give you an overview in a nutshell, the story basically is a retelling of some ancient events. The desire here is to transform the story into something more modern while preserving the beauty and sound moral message of the original.
Our story begins with the birth of the twelfth brother to a powerful and successful business man. The father has been disappointed with the men that his other sons have grown up to become. His desire is that this twelfth son will finally be the one to carry on the family name in an upright way. Meanwhile, while awaiting the moment to visit their baby brother, the other eleven are consumed by their selfishness. They can only focus on how this extra son will further divide their potential inheritance.
Chapter 1: Inheritance
Verse 1:
the old man hurried
scurried as quick as could be
to the hospital bedside
of his sweet young wife
to usher in the new child
to celebrate a brand new life
Chorus 1:
at last
a son
that's unlike every other one
he will
become
the heir to my vast fortune
Verse 2:
all the brothers gathered
in the silent waiting room
they were hot and bothered
by this new addition
it just did not seem fair
so they had to hatch a scheme
Chorus 2:
i won't
divide
what we so rightfully deserve
we must
protect
what we have worked so hard for
Outro:
and all eleven walked away
to bide their time for some later date.
What is the purpose of posting these lyrics? Now is the chance for you to get involved. I am looking for constructive criticism on how to improve the lyrics and story. Please feel free to comment at will. I can't guarantee that I will like everything that you have to say, but I will try to be as non-defensive as possible and to look at things in an objective light.
Thanks for your help!
12 comments:
You know, I think this is going to be a very good thing. I'm here at work, tapping out a beat, and coming up with a melody for this one. I've got something similar to "I Am Always The One Who Calls" going.
Actually, all the lyrics fit the meter I'm going for. However, there are two points I would suggest for improvement. These make it fit just a little better, and I think advance the story.
they were hot and bothered
by this new addition
becomes
they were hot and bothered
by this complication
Works better when sung, and carries more animosity. A new addition conveys too much compassion for the child as an individual. Calling him a complication depersonalizes him.
it just did not seem fair
so they had to hatch a scheme
becomes
it just did not seem fair
so they had to make this right
The original lyric was awkward. This one goes better with the music/lyric interaction I have in my head. Also, it's more insidious, and it shows a contrasting point of view on what is "right and wrong" which will come back up again in the next song (not to jump ahead).
I hope you're keeping track of the lyrics. You should email me a snapshot every day. I may have to go home and write the guitar parts.
Excellent pic, BTW.
Very good suggestions. I have included them in 12Brothers.txt. This process shouldn't take but a few days, so hold your horses until I send out a completed version.
Ok, I just read up on the old post and am abreast of the whole deal that has revealed itself here on this blog.
First and foremost, I don't really have any personal suggestions on the song other then a resounding support for Josh's suggestions. Why? In your original version of the song, they sound like James Bond bad guys. Clearly, that wasn't what you were going for. By making them have their own definition of "right" the listener is able to understand that they're not token villains or anything trite like that -- but that they have a viewpoint on the matter and that they operate on the basis of greed. Sure, they do bad things, but they’re also human beings, right? The best of the worst are always understood, no matter how wrong their “right” is.
Anyhow, it's an interesting story. A retelling of a Bible event? Either that, or some story I haven't heard.
Brock, yeh, it's Jacob and his brothers, but in a business context.
Hey, background reading, check out the chapters that apply in the Bible Stories book. Then, you'll be able to contribute to the songs and lyrics. I know we're open to everyone chiming in on this one.
Brock, you've brought out some excellent points. We definitely need to show these men as human, though extremely misguided at the moment. Remember that we'll need to redeem these folks by track five.
I do stand whole-heartedly behind Joshua's suggestions. There is actually one line that I don't particularly like in the original and I'm trying to come up with something new. Here it is:
we must
protect
what we have worked so hard for
It just seems like a weak note to go out on. Conversely, I really like the line that proceeds it:
i won't
divide
what we so rightfully deserve
Though it should probably say "we won't" for the purpose of clarity. Joshua suggested that at the very least we switch these two lines around to build to a crescendo. I'd like to even scrap the "worked so hard for line" and go with something different. "we must protect" is still a good way to start it, but it needs a new ending.
Jer,
Yeh, "we won't." I think the line is good, but we should switch them up. I'm also leaning towards repeating the chorus lines twice within the chorus, to make it longer. I made some changes on the guitar to keep it interesting. All in all, I think I've got what I need to do a better demo. I think once we get these all roughed out, I can do that next.
Later,
Josh
OK, so we go with "we won't" and we switch the order of the two lines. Sounds good. It's official in the 12Brothers.txt file.
There shall be no repeating of a chorus, though. I hate that. I like how this story just unfolds without shoving anything down your throat. Don't be so concerned about length. Like I said, these are all 3-4 minute songs.
I was thinking about changing it to:
to the hospital bedside
of his Swedish young wife
Swedish young wife? Do I have to ban you from commenting here?
So you don't think we should go with Swedish?
How about:
of his sweet-ish young wife
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